When a couple gets divorced, all the conversations that used to happen in passing while doing the dishes, or leaving reminder notes on the fridge, suddenly become more complicated. Where you used to text your partner, “Meeting running late, can you grab the kids?” you’re now at risk of violating your parenting agreement.
At A Center for Divorce Solutions, we work with clients to anticipate and mediate common issues and to include them in the parenting plan. While many of these agreements aren’t legally required or binding, discussing them, coming to an understanding and putting them on record gives couples confidence moving forward.
Here are our top six:
1. Maintaining A Unified Front
Divorce is traumatic for kids. Even if the marriage was unhealthy or unhinged, the world they knew is no longer. The impulse of many parents is to become the “fun” parent or “yes” parent, breaking old rules and making new ones. Even when it’s done out of love, the result is further destabilizing to the child’s life.
Maintaining a unified front when it comes to the rules and standards will give the kids the structure they need and reduce the “Mom/Dad lets me” arguments you have to hear. During mediation, we recommend revisiting the do’s and don’ts previously established and discussing any changes you’d like to make for any reason. It’s normal for people to have differing views on parenting, but finding a happy medium and upholding one set of rules prevents the kids from taking advantage of your differences.
2. Quality vs. Quantity Parenting Time
It’s almost impossible to calculate the difference in going from a two-parent household to single parenting until you’re living it. As adults with careers, family, friends, and community obligations, it’s quite reasonable to expect that you’ll need some help in the form of babysitters, grandparents, and the like. But how much help is too much? Parenting time should be spending time as a parent, not pawning the kids off
Sadly, it’s not uncommon for one parent to request more parenting time, without any intention of spending more time with the kids. Child support calculations are based in part on parenting time, with the unfortunate byproduct of parents attempting to switch things up for financial reasons rather than the best interest of the kids. By establishing a shared definition of “parenting time”, you can hold each other accountable to what you’ve deemed appropriate, while mitigating future requests that may not be genuine.
3. The Handoff
Kids will be kids. They will forget assignments, belongings, homework, and need midnight supply runs for projects they forgot were due. These irritations are parenting table stakes. Post-divorce, these (and other things) can lead to real and regular frustration and arguments. To make your handoffs as seamless and irritation-free as possible, we recommend acknowledging the devil in the details:
- What time of day/evening will the handoff be at each house, or an agreed-upon third space?
- Should the parent dropping off provide lunch/dinner or will the receiving parent be responsible for the next meal?
- What items and belongings will the dropping-off parent be responsible for delivering with the child, and if something is forgotten, are they also responsible for finding and delivering it?
- How should sports and other activities impact the handoff?
- How will you handle changes prompted by the kids, for example, a last-minute request to go to a friend’s house, or have a sleepover?
These factors will shift as your kids grow up and you can’t predict the future, but you can establish a regular track record of seamless, stress-free handoffs that create stability for your kids, and start building trust and success as you move forward on your co-parenting journey.
4. How and When to Introduce New Partners
Everyone who enters or exits your child’s life makes an impact. They weep over the babysitter who leaves for college, continue to visit that third-grade teacher, or go wobbly whenever the grandparents leave. Attachment is normal and real, and something to consider when it comes to dating post-divorce and, in particular, when and how to introduce the kids to a new romantic partner.
As uncomfortable as it may be to discuss this (especially if one partner is already dating), creating a set of guidelines for both parties to follow will help diffuse the emotion and put the focus on what’s best for the kids. Determining factors like:
- Is there a minimum amount of time one should date before introductions?
- Should there be long-term potential or intentions before introductions?
- Should the co-parent meet the partner first?
- What are the guidelines for sleeping over when the kids are there?
- Does the definition of parenting time change to include the new partner?
- Are the kids allowed to opt out if they’re not comfortable with the new partner?
- If the new partner has kids, what do you need to know before they spend time with yours?
When you establish guidelines around the introduction of new partners, you’re maintaining a level of safety and stability for your kids and operating with transparency that makes it easier for them to talk openly about it. As a bonus, you’re starting new relationships with clarity and accountability, rather than subjecting yourself and your new partner to rules made in the emotional heat of the moment.
5. Pillars of Health & Safety
As parents, there are things we feel strongly about, and things we just know in our gut. In our experience, it’s vitally important to discuss them and build them into your parenting plan so that they can be enforced. Some examples might include:
- Not wanting your kids in the presence of a particular friend or relative that you suspect is unsafe for any reason.
- Maintaining a sober household during parenting time.
- Religious upbringing or changes to religion.
- Therapy and medication.
- Sports and activities that carry potential risk.
- Travel.
- Vaccinations
- Nutrition
As parents, you have strong feelings about the health and safety of your children, and the last thing you want is to feel out of control or helpless when they’re not with you. Be thorough, thoughtful, and fair-minded as you approach these issues. You may despise your spouse’s entire extended family, but it’s just that one handsy uncle or perpetually drunk aunt who poses an actual threat.
6. Equal Veto Power
At the end of the day, we all have our deal-breakers, and we can’t always see them coming. Successful co-parents are those who are willing to honor those non-negotiables, whether they’re recorded in the parenting plan or not. A responsible approach to sharing veto power begins with mutual respect and should include some guidelines to ensure that the veto is being used only as a last resort, and usually in matters of health and safety or critical values. A veto can only be used to stop something, not to force something.
Some examples we’ve seen where a veto was used successfully include preventing a parent from bringing in multiple male roommates to share bills, posing a potentially significant risk to the kids. Or, a parent “finds God” and wants to uproot the kids from their church and place them in religious school. We’ve seen vetoes used over football, due to the violence and increased likelihood of brain damage.
Let Us Help
As mediators, we’re not here to judge your decisions, tell you how to live, or when to use your veto power. We are here to share our decades of experience and solve problems before they arise. Establishing some form of equal veto power is just one tool that can save you in a pinch. To learn more about thoughtful parenting plans, call or contact us now. Or check out more of our blog!